Outta Control...

I've been thinking a lot, A LOT, about what it means to be in control. What it looks like. What it feels like. What happens when you choose not to be in control. What happens when control is taken away from you.

Being in control is a complete facade.
While we can put things in place to try and maintain a level of control over certain things, the idea that we are actual in control is junk.

Take for instance eating well and exercising daily.
These are great things to do.
But we trick ourselves into thinking that this means we are in control of our bodies and our health.
The utter frustration that comes when bedridden, unable to perform the normal activities we enjoy. Unable to do anything but sleep, unable to reach and lift the glass to your own mouth. These are things we take for granted. These are the things that make us think we're in control.

When something external comes along and totally obliterates the way you function 'normally' in a situation. Everything has to be renegotiated. Whether it's crossing the road, having the emotional and mental strength to have a conversation or facing an exam. The things that seemed so manageable and little, a blip in the day has now become the giant mountain to climb. It seems impossible.

When we feel in control a lot of what happens just happens with out much thought. But when things start spiraling, the vortex of chaos ensues and everything is bewildering.

Once out of the vortex, it's easy to land back in the same place as before. Renewed energy to exercise. Social gatherings are a breeze. But the facade of control has also returned.
Which is harder to live in facade or in the vortex?

A friend asked me last night what happened to the charismatic, carefree, can-do go-getter that she knew.

I think the journey is realising the facade exists, and is still working out how to live in the vortex.